Sorry, Bessie, About Your Short, Miserable Life (But Thanks for a Delicious Dinner!)

Last night my boyfriend and I met up with a friend at a popular burger joint in honor of her last night in town. At the end of the evening, my boyfriend slid his receipt across the table toward me so I could read the fine print at the bottom. He was impressed that the cows weren’t given growth hormones or antibiotics; while I agreed that was great and all, I was more interested in the confusing and perhaps ill-advised wording of the blurb:

Never happy. Always miserable?

Tell me: Are these cows happy, or are they completely and utterly (or should I say “udderly”? Har har) dejected?

Now, I understand this is a receipt. It’s not a published novel. It’s not a finely edited dissertation. It probably wasn’t written by a professional writer. Heck, they probably don’t expect anyone to actually read it. Nonetheless, there needs to be some clarification here.

The cows are “never never happy.” So does this mean they are “never, never happy”? Perpetually despondent? Depressed creatures from the day they emerge from the womb to the night their miserable little throats are slashed (or however they’re killed – I avoid learning too much about that to the best of my ability)?

“Our cows are never, never happy! Don’t feel guilty about eating meat, folks; you put them out of their misery! They would thank you if they weren’t inside your gut right now!”

Alternatively, are they “never never-happy”? Always blissful? Merry animals strolling through lush pastures while chewing their cud and swishing their tails?

A little punctuation can make a big difference.

These are two completely divergent scenarios. Frankly, either way I’m a bit horrified, as it makes me sad to think about Bessie joyously interacting with humans until the day they betray her in the worst possible way. Like many people, I prefer to think my delicious burger slathered with bacon and basil pesto was not once part of a living, breathing thing that I perhaps would call “cute” after seeing it produce a particularly long yawn. And I would prefer my receipt not remind me of this.

After further examination of the remainder of the blurb, this became a clear case of trying too hard or being too clever for your own good. After all, the cows are “never given growth hormones” (“never” #1), “never given antibiotics” (“never” #2) and “raised with care” (“happy,” although that is debatable considering being raised with care doesn’t necessarily make one joyful). This adds up to ”never never happy.” I get it. But unless this restaurant wants customers to start hearing woeful moos emerging from their stomachs, I’d rework it.